I Feel You

I have been spending time daily, grappling with my grief, and not understanding why I feel the way I do. I had a milestone in my understanding, and am amazed at the power of art and the subconscious mind’s ability to work out problems and find the answers that are hidden in our own brain.

In my creative time yesterday morning, I was working on an illustration about unpacking my feelings and drew seven pieces of luggage, with no conscious reason, with me sitting on the closest one. I was simply thinking of “baggage” that we all gain through struggling with grief.

Later, as I was reflecting on the illustration and my feelings I realized what my brain did subconsciously.

I’ve done a variation of this illustration before, but in a different time and style, and for a different reason. It was a reflection on when our little family was separated, and my siblings and I were adopted by our aunts and uncles. It was the first time I mourned the loss of my brother.

My brother and I were subsequently separated five more times as kids. So, I’ve mourned his loss six times before in my lifetime, but always with the hope that we’d be reunited again. This is the seventh mourning.

1. We were split up as kids. It was a bad situation and our loving extended family did the best they could for us.

2. I was told I wouldn’t be able to see him or spend time with him because he was a bad influence. This was devastating, because we went from being the closest, to seeing each other at school and randomly on weekends, to the threat of this.

3. We ended up back together, until he left our grandparents to move back with his adoptive family.

4. We reunited briefly until he stayed with our dad, and I left to return to my grandparents.

5. He moved away with our dad to another town that was 30 miles away, no longer a bike ride or walk to visit.

6. He left to the Navy when I was in high school. I was sixteen, and not a child at this time, but I knew that life wouldn’t be the same after this, because he was going away again.

I’ve really been struggling with his passing, but also feeling like something else was happening in my heart and mind. It was this feeling, a familiar sadness, that I’ve been dealing with all of my life. It feels so heavy because it is the seventh round, and this one is the end.

I know this feels like a downer, but it’s been a revelation. Being able to identify this has given me the ability to name it and put it in a place that makes this part manageable.